Yesterday, a nine-year old girl accidentally shot her gun instructor as he was teaching her how to handle an Uzi.
Let’s deconstruct that sentence.
YESTERDAY. As in, the day before today, this young girl woke up and was brought to a gun lesson. She wore a pink vest and a pink headset. How adorable! And her instructor woke up, had breakfast, probably coffee, got dressed and headed off for what would be his last day on Earth.
A NINE YEAR OLD GIRL. It really doesn’t matter if this was a boy or girl, so I probably could have omitted the word “girl” from this sentence. But no matter, the part I’m most interested in is her age. Nine years old. A fourth grader, I’m guessing. Now clearly this is the ideal age to learn how to handle an Uzi, right? What with all the daily pressures of being nine, it only seems to right to arm this young one with a military-style weapon to protect her from the bully cutting in the lunch line, the cheerleader who beats her out for the top spot and her kid brother who probably teases her. Seems logical to me. Shall we continue?
ACCIDENTALLY. Ok, no sarcasm here. She certainly did not shoot her instructor deliberately. However any idiot knows that guns are powerful. And as it turns out, they have a powerful recoil that an inexperienced person FOR EXAMPLE A NINE YEAR OLD CHILD would be unaware of and incapable of handling. Thus, when she shot the weapon, the recoil caused her to lose control of the Uzi. Good Lord. Look at what I just wrote. A young girl “lost control of the Uzi.” Jesus.
SHOT HER GUN INSTRUCTOR. Call me old-fashioned, but why in the hell does a nine-year old need a gun instructor? Please. I’m begging you. Please tell me. Because obviously I am a slacker parent. My kid is 10 and the only weapons she’s ever wielded were squirt guns and Nerf guns. Clearly, I am not concerned about keeping up with the Joneses, here. And for the record, and for this little girl’s sanity and future therapy sessions – she did not shoot him. To me, shooting implies intent. She was put in a situation that she was not ready to handle. And no disrespect to the deceased, but the responsibility lies fully and entirely with the instructor and with her parents. Just think of how traumatized this little girl will be FOR THE REST OF HER LIFE. But yay guns! Right?
AS HE WAS TEACHING HER TO HANDLE AN UZI. Pardon my language here, but why in the holy fuck does ANYONE other than the military need to know how to handle an Uzi? I am dead serious here. Please. Tell me. Because if you can give me a legitimate reason as to why nine-year olds need to know this piece of information, I shall run to the nearest gun range and sign my kid up. Scratch that. I shall sign both of my girls up – they are 10 and 3. Hey, it’s never too early to learn the ways of weaponry, is what I say.